Worker Killed at Sewage Dumpsite

A Sewage dumpsite has been closed all week as officials lead an investigation into a death at the worksite. Oswald Leonantus, 48, of Sicily, died Sunday after being stabbed in the back forty-eight times, having his eyeballs gouged out, and then being impaled with a lead pipe, according to the Police. However, Officials are divided on whether or not this was a murder. “Of course it was a murder,” says constable Leonato Gower. “It’s rather obvious.” Constable Robin Montgomery has a different opinion. “Holy Complications! I never thought it could be a murder! It seemed so obvious: he tripped while carrying a box of knives, slipped on a stack of pipes, two of which got his eyes and one which ended up in his stomach, and then the knives all landed in his back. Then one of his coworkers came by and cleaned up the knives and a few of the pipes.” This was then challenged by Leonato. “If that’s what happened, why did his coworker not finish cleaning up?” At this point Robin jumped up and exclaimed “Holy Squirrel Cage! It must have been an emergency!” before running away from the scene, reportedly leaving most of his pants behind.