Ding Dong, the Witch is... Wed?

Petruchio (left) and Katherine (right) wait at the altar to be married.

In a stunning development yesterday, the famed 'witch' Katerina has gotten married! The ceremony opened with Kate emerging from her home to come to the door of the church where she was to be married. She was accompanied by her father, Baptista, her sister, Bianca  and a few of her closest friends - although in the case of Kate this meant a few acquaintances. As is customary, this is where the small party waited for the groom. However, soon they encountered an unexpected circumstance. "It seemed normal at first," comments Leonardo Poins, age 53. "But as 10 minutes turned to 30, and 30 minutes turned to an hour, it seemed that the disbelief we had at the idea of Katherine getting married was well-founded." Around the two-hour mark, tempers were beginning to wear thin, and the crowds that had gathered were getting quite bored. Some poor fool decided to try to break up the monotony with some laughter, and began to joke, "There is mad Petruchio's wife, if he would please come and marry her!" Unfortunately, this comment was made within earshot of Katerina, and was followed by most of the bridal party having to physically hold back the bride as she attempted to get at the guilty party. Luckily, it was at this moment that a servant ran in, carrying news that the long-awaited groom was about to arrive. And arrive he did. We asked our Fashion Correspondent, Dr. Phoebe Aguecheek to give her expert opinion on the grooms attire. "He looked like a toad-spotted death-token!" she said. I have never seen a bigger beetle-headed contriver." By reports the groom Petruchio arrived wearing a big hat with an old red feather in it. He had on an old vest with several gaping holes and a rusty sword missing the scabbard and half the hilt. His boots were mismatched, one using a buckle and the other laces, and we later found out they were spittoons from his house. But if his attire was bad, his mode of transportation was a hundred times worse. The poor little horse he was on had a bad hip, swollen glands, lockjaw, leg ulcers, bedsores, arthritis, jaundice, a hernia, hives, worms, cancer, an overbite, and post-nasal drip. After all the time spent waiting on the groom to arrive, his showing up in this manner was almost too much for the father of the bride to handle. Baptista reportedly tried several last-ditch efforts to reason with the man, but to no avail. But this party wasn't over. The wedding itself was still to be had. When the couple got to the altar to be married, Katherine was never given a chance to speak. On her turn to give her 'I do', the groom stopped her from speaking and yelled 'Hell yes!' as loudly as possible, before swearing so loud that the priest dropped his prayer book. The groom then proceeded to attack anyone who tried to retrieve the book. "I was beginning to get concerned for all our safety!" comments Tamora Flute, 37. "At any moment he could have pulled out his sword and started taking swings at people! Although, i don't suppose it would have done much, with the sword in that kind of condition.." According to witnesses, Petruchio followed this up by taking the communion wine from the priest and drinking all of it. Perhaps in the hopes of avoiding any further embarrassment, Baptista decided to call the people to the wedding feast. However, this was followed by yet another shock. Petruchio reportedly refused to stay, saying it would be better for them to go immediately home. He refused to compromise on this even after being asked by all the people at the scene to stay, including Kate herself. At this point our reporters decided it was best to vacate the scene. but this entire wedding raises many questions: Is Kate still unimaginably curst? She didn't seem to act out nearly as much as usual throughout this entire affair. Is Petruchio really so bad? Petruchio himself was unavailable for comment, but we managed to get a hold of his servant Grumio. "I think my master is just putting on a show in order to get Kate in a submissive place. Then he'll go back to normal." The current news is that our odd couple will be back for the wedding of Bianca and Lucentio next week, leaving us with one final question: will we survive another week?